


jewel

by poise



Series: i’d give you all my stars [2]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, College, Drunken Confessions, Established Relationship, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Roommates, park jisung and na jaemin are brothers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-20
Updated: 2020-12-20
Packaged: 2021-03-11 03:00:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,994
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28198050
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/poise/pseuds/poise
Summary: "Sometimes," Renjun laughs bitterly. He sounds like the coffee Jaemin drinks in the mornings personified. "Sometimes, I think I love Jaemin more than he'll ever love me."
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun/Na Jaemin, past Lee Jeno/Na Jaemin - Relationship
Series: i’d give you all my stars [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2065665
Comments: 16
Kudos: 175





	jewel

**Author's Note:**

  * For [scftsun](https://archiveofourown.org/users/scftsun/gifts), [romeas](https://archiveofourown.org/users/romeas/gifts).



> this is part 2 of another fic, so please read that one first! it’s quite short. read [come a little closer](https://archiveofourown.org/works/27859809)
> 
> this is also inspired by a song which i highly recommend you to listen to while reading this [jewel](https://open.spotify.com/track/4Z66AgIgtabDwpmPLIE6uB?si=NKS1-R10RW-tqtKI_fM7Dg) by adam melchor 
> 
> thank u to star and aiden for accompanying in my sprint room and watching my slowly lose my will to live while i write this <3

Jaemin feels the music pulsating through his veins like a music box buried deep in his chest, pumping chords through his blood vessels. It's so deafening, but through the music and incessant chatter, he can hear the rhythm of Renjun's heartbeat above all. He has learned it by memory. The way Renjun's chest expands as he breathes in and shrivels up as he breathes out. He knows the way Renjun's heart stutters when he bursts out in a big and airy laugh. Jaemin has studied every possible pattern of its beat with his hand on that very chest on sleepless nights.

Even now, as he nurses a drunk Renjun in the bathroom, he appreciates the way their lungs fall in sync as if it knows they belong.

Renjun is sitting on the toilet with the seat down, a frown on his face and his eyes sewn shut. The frown is a pout more than anything, and if Jaemin weren’t so focused on wetting the rag in his hands, he would lean down and kiss that pout right off his lips. But Renjun, the poor drunk that he is, has confused Jaemin with Jisung for at least 10 times in the past half an hour and by now, Jaemin has gotten too lazy to correct him.

"Jisung," Renjun calls out into the air, words slurred as he leans back. "Where is Jaemin?"

Jaemin holds back the laugh threatening to escape past his lips. He plays along and entertains Renjun, wringing the damp rag into the sink. "Hm, I'm sure he'll be here soon."

That seems to silence Renjun for now. He hums and leans the rest of his weight onto the wall beside him.

The lights outside of the bathroom are going crazy, shadows dancing in the little crack beneath the door. Just looking at the fast beat they're changing to gives Jaemin a headache. He hates parties like these more than anything, but finals were over and Renjun basically dragged him by the hand to attend.

But now here he is, in a stranger's bathroom, wiping his boyfriend's face down with a cold rag. Jaemin hates that even like this, he's having a good time. That anywhere with Renjun by his side and knowing their lungs are in sync is a good time. He can barely see what he's doing with the lights turned off but he's thankful for the strip of bulbs surrounding the mirror above the sink.

Jaemin takes a seat on the edge of the small bathtub next to the toilet. It's way too shallow for his height, so he tucks his knees forward and taps Renjun on the knee.

Renjun reacts with a whine and sinks further into the wall behind him.

"Renjun, come on. Let me cool your face down. Your cheeks are burning up."

He's met with the ever so devastating sight of his boyfriend prying one eye open and looking at him through unfocused eyes.

"But only Jaemin does that."

This time, Jaemin deny himself the laughter that hits his chest. "Yes, I know." He says and can't help but wonder what Jisung would do if it was really him here instead. "But let me do it this time since he's not here. Hmm?"

He doesn't wait for Renjun to find a reply in that hazy mind of his as he takes his chin between two fingers, placing the wet rag on his forehead. Renjun doesn't protest except a small hiss when the coldness hits his skin.

He remains pliant for the next few minutes, eventually humming to a song playing at the back of his mind. Jaemin breaks out in a small smile when he recognizes it. It was the song that was playing in the background at the ice rink the first time they kissed. He would find Renjun humming to it at random times of the day around their dorm room and subconsciously, Jaemin would join in until their eyes meet and they burst out laughing. Other times, it would end up with Renjun pulling him into a kiss.

"Sung?" Renjun asks again, looking directly into Jaemin's eyes.

Jaemin hums, spending more time on wiping the flushness off Renjun's cheeks as delicately as he can. They always feel full and warm under the palm of his hand, alcohol or not.

"Can I tell you something?"

Renjun's voice is barely above a whisper when he asks. There's something else to it Jaemin can't quite place. A vulnerability coating his slurred words. He hums anyway.

"Promise me you won't tell anyone?"

Jaemin nods.

"Especially your brother?"

His hand stutters on the rag.

To this, he doesn't respond. Whatever Renjun wants to say is meant for Jisung's ears only, and he especially doesn't want Jaemin, of all people, to hear.

But he is oh-so curious. Despite the foulness in his mouth, he nods, afraid his voice would betray him if he were to speak. He moves the rag down to Renjun's chin and watches with careful eyes as the cogs in his mind turn to form a sentence through his addled brain.

"Sometimes," Renjun laughs bitterly. He sounds like the coffee Jaemin drinks in the mornings personified. "Sometimes, I think I love Jaemin more than he'll ever love me."

The rag almost falls to the floor at those very words.

Jaemin pulls back entirely and blinks to make sure _he_ isn't the one that's drunk here.

Renjun is still looking at him with those hazy eyes, clearly intoxicated out of his mind. It takes a second for him to remember that Renjun thinks he's talking to Jisung, his brother, and not Jaemin.

Despite knowing this, the sharp sting that lingers in his chest doesn't go away. Jaemin is certain their lungs have lost their sync after that because his own lungs feel heavy like wet cement. He leaves Renjun to lean back against the wall for a bit for him to catch his own breath.

He has a million questions running in his mind, none of which he knows he'll get answers to because Renjun can barely tell who he is to begin with. But he focuses on the one that's on the forefront of his mind, begging to be answered.

"Why?"

His voice is so small, he's surprised Renjun even managed to hear him. Barely, at that.

He sits up again and scoots closer to Jaemin as his frown deepens. Jaemin hates that no matter how much of the stinging pain his heart is enduring, his brain still manages to think Renjun looks nothing short of adorable like this.

Instead of answering, Renjun reaches out for the rag in his hand and Jaemin lets him, too tired and unfocused to fight him on it. He watches as he presses the cold cloth onto his skin as if he hadn't turned Jaemin's whole axis askew with merely a few words.

"Did you see Jeno earlier, at the party?" Renjun suddenly asks.

Another set of words that makes Jaemin freeze in his spot. It takes a little bit of time until he's able to nod back as a response.

Jeno was there, hanging out with a group of friends Jaemin used to hang with too. They've grown apart after the breakup, but things like these happen so he can't really say he's surprised. Honestly, they really haven't spoken in a while. Which was why he wanted to leave the party early in the first place. But why Renjun would bring this up right now is beyond him.

It’s only when Renjun looks to him that Jaemin feels it like a pang to the chest, the heaviness behind those eyes. He recognizes the weight of cement Renjun feels in his own lungs.

"Jeno and Jaemin were perfect for each other, weren't they?" He asks, a non-question introduced into the still air.

"I feel like it was my fault that they broke up. I was the roommate with the feelings wasn't I?" Renjun buries his head into the cloth and lets out a shuddering sigh like there's a weight of a thousand men on his shoulders. "Sometimes when I look at Jaemin, I still see the guy on the other side of my room who's so close, but couldn't be further away. Like I'm still that roommate who's trying so desperately to fit themselves into a piece of his life, no matter how small."

Listening to Renjun explain it hurts a lot more than he would've expected. He thinks any of this couldn't sound further from the truth. He wants to tell Renjun how big of a role he plays in his life and that his breakup with Jeno all those months ago had nothing to do with him.

"I know he loves me. I know that. But I've loved him for so much longer." 

He pulls the rag down to meet his eyes. Jaemin can't tell if the dampness on his cheeks is from the cloth or if they're his own salty tears. His hand reaches out by instinct to wipe them away. Renjun looks at him through his glossy eyes, vision blurring by ten folds.

"He never had to sit and watch the one person he was in love with be with someone else. Not the way I did. I never told him, but it really sucked. And what sucks, even more, is knowing I'm more scared to lose him than he'll ever be scared to lose me."

"You don't know that." Jaemin blurts on impulse.

Renjun leans back onto the cold tiled walls behind him and screws his eyes shut. He hums and doesn't fight the statement.

A long stretch of silence settles between them as neither of them speaks. Renjun from exhaustion and Jaemin being too afraid to break the delicate air around them.

"You know the stars Jaemin had us stuck to the ceiling in our room? I hated those things. They were horrible." A laugh bubbles in Renjun’s chest. Genuine this time.

There's another thing he didn't know. For the longest time, he was convinced Renjun loved those stars just as much as he did. He would refuse to take them down whenever Jaemin offered.

"But they made him so happy. And I was so desperate to be the reason behind that, even just a little. I waited so long for him, Jisung."

These are the words that play at the back his mind for the next half an hour as they lay silently in the bathroom, ignoring the knocks that come every now and then at the door.

Jaemin spends so much time thinking about all these unspoken secrets he's not meant to know and yet he does. They're piling on and there's so many he doesn't know what to do with them. There's only one thing he knows for certain, and it is as definite as the blood that pulses through his veins and the air that flows through his lungs.

"I love you, Renjun. So much more than you'll ever know."

He says into the void and the way his heart squeezes at how raw and true the words sound coming from his mouth lifts the weight in his lungs. It suddenly feels like it's been too long since he's said those words, so much so that they feel almost foreign on his lips. When was the last time he said them out loud? Jaemin feels like he's wearing pants two sizes too big. He's told Renjun he loved him recently... right?

The only response that comes bouncing back to him is the sound of Renjun's light snore and calm breathing.

Jaemin looks to him and feels a tremor passing through his body. Renjun is right beside him, but for the first time in a while, he feels miles away.

His eyes fall on his chest, looking at the steady rhythm of Renjun's breathing and despite everything, feels the urge to give a small, melancholic smile. 

Their lungs are in sync.

**Author's Note:**

> i was in a terrible mood when i wrote this and it didn’t turn out as well as i wanted but i needed to flush all that bad energy somewhere T__T here it went 
> 
> [cc](https://curiouscat.me/813na)  
> [twt](https://mobile.twitter.com/rensfilms)


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